Paranoid Presidential Predictions

It seems like everyone’s got a paranoid conspiracy theory about what a candidate will do if they are elected to the Oval Office. So I’m going to throw out some of my own theories on certain candidates:

Barack Obama – If elected President, Barack Obama will meet with Castro, Hugo Chavez, Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong Il, and Vladimir Putin to draw up a treaty in Cuba known as the Havana Accord, stipulating that each nation cannot retaliate against the other’s attacks. Together, they will team up against Pakistan, assassinate Musharraf, and invade the country. Meanwhile, Osama Bin Laden will have traveled to Iran on vacation, unbeknownst to everyone but Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Mitt Romney – Mitt Romney will be the first President of the United States ever sworn in with his hand on something other than the Bible. He will order the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to release the golden tablets that Joseph Smith found from the Mormon vault and swear on those. While the country will in fact be run like a well-oiled business machine, all Mormons will be given tax breaks and “Gentiles” will not. The nation’s capital will also be relocated to Independence, Missouri.

John McCain – He will die of natural causes 3 years into office. His accomplishments will include making President Bush the Ambassador to the United Nations, amnesty for illegal immigrants, and an open border with a large welcome sign on the Arizona border. He will be succeeded by Vice President John Kerry.

Hillary Clinton – She will introduce Hillarycare again, this time successfully due to a Democratic majority in Congress. Major supporters will include Vice President Obama, John Kerry, and Christopher Dodd.  The White House will undergo complete renovation, adding on an obscenely large spa, complete with lipo-suction, botox, and of course, the nation’s largest jacuzzi (shaped like the U.S. mainland).

Rudy Giuliani – While the White House will be turned into a museum, the Oval Office will be relocated to a penthouse at the top of the Liberty Tower in New York City. He will support an amendment to the Constitution allowing for civil unions among homosexual couples in every state. For the State of the Union Address, President Giuliani will dress in drag and no one will be allowed to laugh.

Ron Paul – Deeming the current status of America unconstitutional, President Paul will return America to a Confederacy of loosely-connected states. Federal laws will be more like guidelines, but each individual state will be the final authority. As a result, marijuana will be legalized in 36 states. The FBI, CIA, Department of Homeland Security, Department of Education, Department of Energy, Department of Transportation, the Federal Court System, and the State Department will all be abolished within the first year of his term. When Congress meets, it will be more like a social gathering of philosophers rather than a law-making body.

Mike Huckabee – Speeches from President Huckabee will frequently reference the Andy Griffith Show, which will be shown in every television accross America due to the Wholesome Television Re-Run Act. Although not binding, the state religion will officially become Southern Baptist. Obese Americans will be put on the Presidential diet, resulting in astounding weight loss across America. And the Vice President will be none other than Governor Bob Riley of Alabama.

Fred Thompson – Fred Thompson will have made the official announcement for his candidacy on January 1, 2008, barely edging out Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani for the nomination. Shortly following his inauguration, Fred Thompson would also introduce the Wholesome Television Re-Run Act, except the emphasis would be on Law & Order. The embargo on trade with Cuba will be lifted, resulting in a boost for the American economy due to sales of Cuban cigars. Also, Michael Moore will be labeled an enemy combatant and exiled to France.

John Edwards – All Americans affected by poverty will have the choice of receiving an advanced form of Medicaid or exportation to Europe. Gasoline-powered cars will be outlawed along with any type of oil product, resulting in a greener America although Global Warming will remain relatively unchanged. However, President Edwards will be forced to resign when it is revealed that his haircare products contained a miniscule derivative of crude oil.

Sam Brownback – In a shocking move, President Brownback will announce that his Presidential authority stops at the steps of the Vatican, giving control of America to the Pope. What America had feared with John F. Kennedy will have been realized in President Brownback. Abortion doctors will be executed without trial. Catholic priests will be given the authority to arrest suspected criminals. With President Brownback and Vice President Giuliani, it will be the worst situation of Catholic control over a country since “Bloody Mary” in England. 

Note: This post is purely satirical. If you are offended by it, you probably suffer from lack of a sense of humor. May God have mercy on your soul.
 

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5 Responses to Paranoid Presidential Predictions

  1. Scott says:

    I have never been so offended in my whole life! I thank you for your honesty.

  2. If I were Mitt, I’d get sworn in with the Pearl of Great Price – just to piss off Bill Keller and Al Mohler.

  3. global warming is becoming such a obvious problem that someone somewhere other than Al Gore needs to step up to help drive the bus!

  4. Will Hansen says:

    I would have said Hillary falls in love with a 23 year old intern, and Bill is free to marry Monica on a reality TV show.

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