I’ll admit, I was skeptical about Ron Paul. I thought he was just some libertarian kook who couldn’t win any office other than the one in his congressional district. But finally, I have found what everyone in his fanbase is raving about. You see, Ron Paul is no ordinary congressman. Nay, he is a legend. A fabled hero who is destined to save this country from utter ruin.
Let us begin with the history of our hero.
Ronald Ernest Paul Sr. was born in the colony of Virginia in 1704. As a teenager, he often spoke of patriotism and the need for us to abandon all ties with Mother England. In fact, Ron Paul actually coined the phrase “no taxation without representation.” On a bright summer day in 1736, Ron encountered a bear in the woods near his farmhouse. Fearlessly, he managed to strangle the bear to near-death with his bare hands, only to finish the job by beating it with his own shoes. The townspeople of his village rejoiced, as the bear had eaten many children in the area.
In 1775, at the ripe old age of seventy-one, he was elected to the Second Continental Congress. His ideas for the founding of a new nation were strikingly on-par with that of Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Paine, and Patrick Henry.
On July 4th, 1776, as John Hancock was just finishing his signature, Ron Paul reached for the quill and was denied by Hancock, only to be told, “No, Ronald. This country needs you for something greater.” Thus, the founding fathers gathered together and unanimously decided that Ron Paul was to be the eternal protector of the Declaration of Independence.
In order to allow for Ron Paul’s long life, the founding fathers sought the help of a local Virginian witch, who gave him an elixir that would grant him long, and quasi-natural life. The witch was subsequently hanged for witchcraft. Of course, prior to that, she was allowed habeas corpus and subjected to a trial by jury.
With a new vitality, Ron Paul continued to fight the good fight for American liberty. He authored the Articles of Confederation, which were adopted in 1777. He felt that this was a permanent solution to American government. The states were loosely joined together, yet each had one vote in the unicameral legislature. Ron Paul considered this system nothing short of ideal.
By the time 1788 rolled around, America hungered for a change in government. A new Constitution was on the horizon. While Ron Paul was reluctant to accept such a change that would increase the size of federal government, he inevitably supported the Constitution and swore to protect it forever. The relationship between him and the Constitution continued to blossom throughout the rest of his life.
After 1789, Ron Paul was relegated to comfortable obscurity until 1858, when the Lincoln-Douglas debates began. Stephen Douglas favored popular sovreignty to solve the problem of slavery, believing that states and territories should decide for themselves whether or not they would allow slavery. This ideology was exactly that of Ron Paul’s. Slavery was an issue that should be decided by the states, not by the federal government.
So Ron Paul fought Abraham Lincoln every step of the way. He abhorred Lincoln’s attempts to abolish slavery on a federal level, even though Paul himself personally opposed slavery. He even aligned himself with the Confederate States of America, feeling that their views on states’ rights were on par with that of the founding fathers.
Paul also had other problems with Lincoln. He argued that Lincoln was invading a sovereign nation when Lincoln sent Union armies into Confederate territory. He also hated the way Lincoln temporarily suspended habeas corpus, spent Federal money without Congressional approval, and imprisoned 18,000 Confederate soldiers without trial. Outraged, he nailed a copy of the U.S. Constitution to the White House doors, which reportedly took him 3 hours.
Fortunately for Ron Paul, he was able to hire actor John Wilkes Booth to put an end to the madness of Lincoln’s administration. Paul would not be heard from again until the 20th century.
By the time 1915 rolled around, Ron Paul was urging Americans not to enter World War I, claiming that the sinking of the Lusitania was a result of blowback from aiding England against Germany. He hated Woodrow Wilson’s policies just as bad as Lincoln’s.
When 1920 came along to dawn that decade of decadence, Ron Paul fought tooth and nail against the 19th amendment, claiming that the founding fathers would have never extended the right to vote to women.
In late 1941, when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, Paul formed an overwhelming rapport among those who believed that the attack was an inside job perpetrated by the U.S. government. He absolutely loathed Roosevelt’s New Deal programs, claiming that they enlarged the size of federal government. He also fought against the creation of the Department of Defense in 1947.
With the exception of Ronald Reagan, Ron Paul opposed the policies of every single President since Rutherford B. Hayes. He also fiercely stood against the creation of the departments of Housing, Transportation, Energy, Education, Veteran’s Affairs, and Homeland Security.
When 1974 rolled around, Ron Paul made an unsuccessful attempt at running for the 22nd district of Texas. Luckily, his opponent was appointed to head of the Federal Maritime Commission and he won a special election in 1976, only serving six months before losing again. He did win a re-match in 1978, going on to be re-elected again in 1980 and 1982.
He tried to run for U.S. Senate in 1984, but was defeated in the primaries. He then returned to the practice of saving lives and delivering babies as a medical doctor, a practice he had perfected since 1883.
In 1988, Ron Paul finally decided that he could enter a public foray as a candidate for President of the United States. He ran as a Libertarian, regardless of his support for Republican President Reagan. He lost by quite a substantial margin, relegated to the ranks of his fellow third-party candidates David Duke and Willa Kenoyer.
By 1996, Ron Paul had returned to Congress, representing the 22nd district of Texas once more. He won subsequent elections in 1998, 2000, 2002, 2004, and 2006.
Throughout all his long life, there has not been a single documented account of Ron Paul laughing at something that was humorous. When asked about this in 2006, he said, “I take my job as a Congressman too seriously to indulge in something as frivolous as humor. Humor can be dishonest and at best unscrupulous. Furthermore, the Constitution simply would not allow for me as an elected official in the federal government to partake in it.”
But now the time has come for Ron Paul to fulfill his promise that he made to his fellow founding fathers over 200 years ago. He is destined to prevail as President of the United States in 2008. He will ride his white horse to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in victory.
You see, Ron Paul understands the Constitution perfectly because he was present at its inception. He knows the will of the founding fathers because he in fact was one of them. He understands the history of America and its departure from its original values because he has been there all along.
Ron Paul knows the path to America’s greatness because he has trodden it for all his life. He cannot lose this election since he is the perfect candidate in every way.
Yes, I understand Ron Paul now. Now, I get what all the hype is all about.